Name, age, sex, breed: Hamsteak Alimony III, but my homies in the street call me Hammie. I’m about 14 months old, in the prime of my life really. I’m a gray dwarf hamster.

Owner, city: I live with my roommate Martina in Brooklyn, NY. She’s not a bad roommate, but some day I’d like a place of my own. Her decorations are kinda girly, but I can’t complain because right now I’m in between jobs and not contributing any rent money, so she calls the shots when it comes to decorating.

How I got my name: It’s a family name. I’m a descendant of Hamsteak Alimony, the great hamster belonging to Abraham Lincoln who famously took a bullet while resting in Abe’s shirt pocket during the first (unsuccessful) assassination attempt. If it wasn’t for this brave hamster, Abraham Lincoln would’ve died long before his beard grew long enough to become iconic. So really, the Alimony family is an integral part of American history.

How we met: Martina accidentally answered a missed connection ad I had put up in an attempt to find a foxy lady who had taken a rat from my pet store back in January. Martina saw the ad, mistakenly thought it was her, and came to the pet store to find me. We had a good laugh about the missed-missed connection and then realized we’d make great roommates, so she bought me.

Personality type: I think I’m a laid back kind of guy. I like to have a good time with friends, listen to music, go for a jog in the wheel. Just your average 14-month old guy living life to the fullest.

Siblings: I don’t know my family — long story, don’t ask, it’s tough for me to talk about. But Martina and I do have another roommate, Debate Team. I don’t think he’s a hamster, and I don’t think he’s a human, so I’m not too sure… He lives in a big bowl of water and never seems to run or chew anything. He’s shy, but we’re tight. I’d do anything for him.

Pet peeves: Ugh, I HATE when people just sit by my cage and watch me run without saying hello. So rude. Martina and I used to live with a cat named LB and she would never talk to me, just stare at me all the time. It’s like, hello, I can see you. Stop being so creepy. I mean, she was a nice cat. A little uptight. But she just had no manners.

Favorite place to lounge: I have a pretty sweet bachelor pad. I guess you could say I have all the gadgets that every young guy dreams about. I have TWO wheels in my cage, which Martina thinks is excessive, but I know she just doesn’t understand. I also have a pretty great burrowing corner. You should see how deep I’ve made it, it’s seriously pro.

Favorite foods: I’m really not picky when it comes to food. I love the yellow pellets and the brown pellets best. I tend to leave the green pellets for the end and hope that Martina refills my food bowl before I have to eat them.

Forbidden indulgences: Martina hung a bell in my cage and let me tell you, that thing is tasty. I know I’m not supposed to chew on it, and I do ring it often, but sometimes I just need to gnaw on it a little.

Strangest habits: Why does everyone think it’s weird that I poo so much?? You can’t expect to put me in the hamster ball or let me hang out on the couch without finding a trail of poo behind me. It’s just what I do, OK? Accept it!

Stand-out physical feature: I’m a little self-conscious about this, but I guess I can share with you: I have no tail. I just have a nub. Go ahead, laugh, but I am still a man and I still have feelings… and you’re hurting them.

Things you might not know if I didn’t tell or show you: I wasn’t always a gray hamster. I used to be very dark gray, almost black, but my hair went white in my mid-5-months. I like to think that I’m a distinguished salt and pepper color.

^{Thanks Martina and Hammie!}

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